Thursday's Dose of Bachelor. Love, Chelsea.

I didn't get a chance to watch The Bachelor when it aired, because apparently the championship game between Oregon and Auburn was far more important.  (Snore.)  I mean, I guess I could have watched it by myself, but that isn't nearly as entertaining.  Since when do husbands choose football over The Bachelor?   Oh wait...

Anyways, we finally sat down and watched it.  And boy do I have some notes for you, Internet.  (That's right.  I take notes when I watch The Bachelor.  My life is exponentially cooler than yours.  Obviously.)


So let's re-cap, shall we?

We start out with Brad, saying just about everything he had said 984 times in the first episode.  He's happy, he's a new person, he's thrilled for a second chance.  Except this time it didn't take 45 minutes - it took 5.  There we go, ABC.

We finally start getting into the good stuff when Chris Harrison walks in and starts telling the girls about the dates.     He pulls out the first date card and all the girls shriek in true sorority girl fashion.  The girls find out that Ashley H. is the lucky recipient of the all-elusive one-on-one date card.  Ashley S. is none too pleased.  Her face goes from normal, to "my puppy died", to stone cold killer in about t minus 6.4 seconds.  There there, Ashley.

Ashley H. comes out, looking like she let Santa's elves dress her for her date.  Hello, gold wrapping paper dress.  Before we know it, she and Brad are balling down a dark, dirt road in an Aston Martin.  Because, that happens.  Ashley starts "like, freaking out."  And then Brad stabbed her.

Okay, not really.  But that would have added an interesting twist to the show.  Amiright?

Obviously she isn't really freaked out, what, with the however many camera crews surrounding the car and big burly Brad to protect her.  Please.  They finally get out of the car where he leads her to a big ass switch.  What could it possibly be?  She flips the switch and an entire amusement park lights up, with rides going and everything.

Husband: "Is there really one switch that turns on the entire park?  Really?  Are we in a cartoon?"

They frolic around and act like children.  Brad is impressed that the dentist is capable of having fun in her tiny little Christmas dress.  They play games, they go on rides, and Ashley eats cotton candy.  Are dentists allowed to eat cotton candy?

Husband (quoting Brad): "'I. am. having. so. much. fun. with. Ashley.'  Could he sound any more monotone?  Clearly he's excited."

Then we take a small break to visit the girls back at the mansion to see who gets to go on the group date.  When the card arrives, we get, yet another collective squee from all the girls.  Shrieking, giggling girls stress me out.  Makes me want to punch something cute and small.  I digress.  We find out that Brad will be taking not 1, not 7, but 15 lovely ladies on the group date.  Every girl instantly looks disgusted.  Good move, ABC.  Stick 15 girls, all lusting after the same boring dude, on a date together - and you've got yourself one heck of a drama goldmine.

Then Michelle announces that her birthday is the next day.  The day of the group date.  And boy is she steamed.

D'oh, now we're back to Brad and Ashley H., who are in a photo booth.  With the camera crew?  Right.  My husband continues to quote everything Brad says in a Forrest Gump accent - because he obviously he thinks Brad's a real champ.  Then they play some more games.  We see Ashley's nipple, or a very unfortunately placed birthmark.  (I actually was so busy scribbling super important notes that I didn't notice this, until I read about it on the internet.  Seriously.  When she does the hammer game thing, her nipple is hanging out for like 2 seconds.  Maybe that's why she gets a rose.  Cough.)  Anyways, then Brad steals a big stuffed bear.  Because when you're The Bachelor, you don't need to win things.  You can just take them.

Then they sit down with some classy alcohol and start discussing, you guess it, their daddy issues.  Nothing like some good old fashioned father abandonment to bring two people together.  Ashley talks about being nervous that he'll feel forced to choose someone.  Which I think it's a perfectly justified concern.  Can you imagine if he didn't choose someone again.  Poor dude would be stoned to death.  Ashley goes on to say that she'd like to be able to "stand on [her] own two feet."  During this part, I wrote in my notes, "Daddy issues, dramatic music, daddy issues, dramatic music, daddy issues, dramatic music."  Clearly I'm over the ghosts of crappy fathers past.

Ashley is nice, I don't really have any issues with her.  Other than her terrible, revealing Christmas dress.  But they seemed to get along nicely.  Soooo, awesome.  Moving right along.

Let the Michelle bitchfest commence.  Because remember, it's her birthday, and she has to share it with 14 other girls.  Life is so effing hard, Michelle.  "I think I have more wrinkles today."  I don't think my eyes have ever rolled that far back into my head.  Spare me.  She continues to whine about how absolutely terrible her day is going to be.  Because if you haven't heard, it's her birthday.  And ABC is making her share.  Damn.

Then we find out their group date is that they're going to do public service announcements to help out the American Red Cross.  Which didn't really make any sense at all to me in the beginning, but whatever.  I can imagine how thrilled Madison, the vampire model, was to be working so closely with the American Red Cross.  (Okay, so my vampire jokes suck.)  Then we get a load of Michelle.  Again.  Because, it's her birthday.  "People are going to piss me off today, I know it."  Someone clearly shoved a tree up her ass while she was sleeping.  She was one big ray of sunshine that day - her birthday, in case you hadn't heard.

They did a bunch of random scenes for the PSAs.  None of which I will really get into.  Because, well... I don't care.  You saw it.  Lots of slutty outfits, making out, and girls getting jealous.  Especially Michelle, who wasn't getting the attention she believed she deserved on her 30th birthday.  Dammit Brad, who do you think you are?  It's Michelle's birthday!  According to her, apparently this isn't how she pictured spending her 30th birthday.  I'm kind of curious what she would have been doing otherwise... I don't know how someone hasn't punched this girl in the ovaries already. Sweet son of Moses.

Michelle finally goes mega diva, and doesn't end up doing her PSA with Brad, because she's so steamed that she hasn't gotten any presents from anyone yet.  You know, for her birthday.  Or maybe it was because dragging the most massive earrings around on her face had drained her energy.  Holy sheet, those things were as big as her face.  Brad attempts to calm the fire-breathing dragon.  And she tells him, "You have walls, like I feel like we need to dissect you."  Husband: "Eeeeeeeeeeh.  Wrong."  Oh, Michelle. I half expect her to go absolutely, postal at any second.  Good grief.  She ends up getting the rose.  Which irritated me right down to the core.  WTF, Brad?  Then she obviously taunted the other girls as she waved the rose in front of their faces.  I almost punched a hole through our TV screen.

Then we hear Brad say, "At the end of the day, this is real life."  Ummmmmm... No.  No Brad.  It is not.  I could mock this further, but I choose not to.  (Mostly because this is turning into a long post that even I wouldn't bother to read.)


The next one-on-one date belongs to Jackie.  She gets to spend special robe time with Brad.  She gets a facial.  She gets to choose out of about 846 dresses and shoes.  She gets to wear jewelry that probably costs more than my car.  Okay, not really.  But - who even knows.  The contestants on this show are already so damn spoiled on their dates.  Anyways, Brad basically spoils the living crap out of her.  And then they go to the Hollywood Bowl - at least I think that's what it was called, and they have dinner 5 feet away from the stage.  "This is one of the best dates of my life," says Jackie.  One of the best dates?  This is the best date you'll ever go on.

Jackie seems like a nice girl too.  There's something weird about her face - I mean, don't get me wrong, she's beautiful - but, anyone hear me?

We finally get to the cocktail party, where Michelle snaps Brad away mid-sentence talking to the rest of the girls, because she's the effing Queen of Sheba.  Oh, and I don't know if you heard, but her birthday was this week.  So everyone is assuming it's some urgent matter that she must take up with Brad ASAP.  When all she ends up asking him is his coffee preference, and what he keeps in his fridge.  Brad (and everyone watching, for that matter) has a permanent WTF face through the entire conversations.  Though, he kind of has a stupid face pretty much always.  He rarely looks genuinely happy to me.  It looks forced, nervous, pained, irritated, confused and boring most of the time.  I'm trying to like Brad, really, I am.  But seriously?  I just don't get what's so awesome about him, other than burly muscles?  Anyone...?

Out of no where, Melissa and Manscaper start bitching at each other.  I seriously don't understand where that even came from?  Also, could Manscaper's boobs be any more fake huge?  Anyways, so Melissa and Raichel are calling each other psychos and energy sucks and every catty insult you can think of.  They whine to all the other girls about each other, and most of the girls try to stay uninvolved.  And before you know it, they're both blubbering all over the place.  Brad sees Melissa crying, and couldn't look any less thrilled if he tried.  She sealed her own fate when she started talking about all her drama in the house.  No no, I take that back.  She sealed her own fate when she started talking about the damn onions she had on her four slices of pizza for dinner.  Turns out Brad doesn't find the poor attempt at comic relief at all amusing.  He looked like he'd rather be stapling his hand to a desk.

He finally manages to rid himself of Melissa, only to run into Raichel, who is also bawling in a corner.  We hear him heavy sigh, and ask for a hug.  She then tells her side of all the drama to Brad, who's eyes are glazed over while he daydreams of rain drops and roses.

He finally gets rid of her and because I've spent way too much time on this post, the rest is going to be a fairly abridged.

Ali and Roberto (from last season) show up.
Roberto looks good.  Ali doesn't.
Emily gets the rose of the night.
Melissa, Raichel, and Keltie are eliminated.  Thank heavens.
Husband thinks Keltie should be on suicide watch.  She was an absolute mess.
Melissa: "Like, I'm a really nice person."  Clearly.
I'm proud of Brad for getting rid of the drama queens.  No one needs that.  Well, except for the audience, for sheer viewing pleasure.

And that, Internet, is all I can muster up.  WOO.

Do you think Brad is super great?

Who's your favorite girl now?

What do you think of Michelle?

Until next time...