Chelsea's {Long Winded} Thoughts on Episode One. WEE.

Ah, another season of The Bachelor.  Let the cattiness, tears, hormones, drama, groping, and prancing around in bikinis commence.  I mean, that's all this show is, right?  A bunch of crazies, sluts, and a handful of barely normal women vying for the affections of a man with chiseled abs and boobs bigger than mine.  That right there is genius television, folks.  Genius television that we all hate ourselves juuust a little bit for watching faithfully every Monday night.  Guilty pleasures aside, let's talk about the first episode of this season, shall we?

The episode begins with recaps of Brad's past season.  A season, which I didn't watch.  So honestly, I couldn't have cared less.  So he didn't pick either of the girls, I say it's about time.  I'm just waiting for a girl to not accept a rose.  Just to throw the whole system off.  Because I'm all about swimming against the current.  Anyways, I digress.  Then for what seems like the next 3 eternities, we get "Forlorn, clinically depressed Brad" talking about his panic attacks, all his daddy issues, and his three years of deep, intense soul searching.  Seriously, I think I heard the words "soul searching" about 43 times.  We get it, Brad.  Then of course we have the famous, coming up out of the water and whipping your hair back and forth in true Baywatch fashion.  Could they be any more cheesy?  Brad came out of the water looking like he was gasping for air.  Better luck on your mermaid scenes next time, Brad.

We finally get to meet a few of the contestants for this season...

First up is Ashley H., who you see drilling the shite out of a patient's mouth.  After which she tells us that she's an artist, and "the mouth is [her] canvas."  Seriously?  Since when is dentistry a damn art form?  Spare me.  Anyways the next thing you know, she's in tube socks and underwear dancing like a lunatic. Because ABC needs to make sure we know that she isn't just an evil dentist, but she's fun.  

Then we meet Shawntel, who starts out by telling us she meets a lot of dead dudes.  Okay... Oh!  She's a funeral director - good one, Shawntel.  Then she says something about burying The Bachelor in Chico.  Creepy, much?  She probably could have used a good underwear dancing scene too.

Then we meet Ashley S. who tells us about her dad who died 2 years ago.  Pretty heart wrenching.  Hopefully she doesn't do anything embarrassing this season, because I think I'd sort of feel bad making fun of her.

Next up is Chantal, who I imagine has been completely spoiled her entire life.  She got divorced a year, which is always fun.  She talks about how she doesn't like the single life and there's "so many games."  Hey Chantal, I know, how about you go and compete with a bunch of other girls for love?  That's not game-ish at all.

Then we have my homegirl, Michelle.  Okay, not really.  We just share the same city, that's all.  "I think women can be intimidated by me."  You mean because of how many crunches you can do?  She struck me as a bit superficial.  But that's not really surprising, I suppose.

Raichel the manscaper was a special one.  Aren't we glad that a few of her clients signed a waiver to get their goods waxed on national television?  Hello.  I'm sure their mothers are so proud.

Next is Meghan, who tells us that "Finding a boyfriend is like shopping for great pair of shoes."  Obviously Meghan is deep.  "Meeting the man of my dreams would be the perfect accessory."  And there she is again, Obi Wan of metaphors.

I don't think I even know what to say about the next one.  Madison is a piece. of. work.  She's a vampire model.  Talk about a Yahtzee for ABC.  Fangs and everything.  Not to mention that she "ran into the leader of the underground vampire world."  Um, raise your hand if you knew that existed.  I would imagine that Brad's contract will make him keep her around for several episodes, for sheer audience pleasure.  

And then we finally meet Emily.  Who as soon as she came on screen, my husband's jaw dropped to the ground.  She is absolutely beyond stunning, in a totally non-slutty way.  I think both my husband and I have a small crush on her.  Seriously.  Very tragic story - she seems very down to earth and I instantly liked her the best.

Then we have all the mini shoots of a bunch of the other girls, who I guess aren't as interesting as vampire models, dentists, or funeral directors.  Snore.

Brad and Chris Harrison sit down and recap the first half hour of the show, and we get another psychoanalysis of Brad's last three years with his therapist.  He sounded like he was reading note cards that his therapist had written for him.  Enough already.  You've changed, you want another chance, you've done a crap ton of soul searching.  Awesome.  Let's move on.

But wait, oh no.  Chris Harrison drops the bomb of all bombs on poor Brad, and let's him know that Jenni and DeAnna were in the back waiting to talk to him.  And for the first time in Bachelor history, someone crapped their pants on screen.  I mean, gosh, I was sweating bullets for the poor guy.  And I haven't even seen that season.  They both walk out, and DeAnna looks like she's ready to punt a kitten.  They sit down and I've never felt more awkward watching The Bachelor, ever.  I also couldn't stop noticing how damn shiny both of their legs were?  Did they smear Vaseline on them before they went on screen?  Sheesh.  Anyways, DeAnna looks like she's going to castrate Brad at any given second.  Hello, bitter.  They both express their concern for Brad being on The Bachelor again, and Jenni says, "If I knew I was about to go out with somebody who had hurt someone in the past, my guard would be up 100%."  Um, hello.  Who hasn't hurt someone in their life?  I mean, I know what she was trying to say - maybe next time, Jenni.  Meanwhile, DeAnna poisons Brad's drink and they finally leave.  I had to pace around the house for a little while to shake off all the awkward.

We finally get to watch Brad meet all his ladies.  This part cracks me up, mostly because the contestants always have the most awful one liners ever.  And if they are getting fed lines, they need to fire whoever's job that is.  I might not mention every woman he met, because some of them were, well, dull - and aside from insulting some random physical attribute, I'd have nothing to say about them.  That said....

Chantal...

Ah yes, the infamous bitch slap.  "From all the women in America."  Please.  As soon as husband dearest witnessed this, he said, "You know, somebody slaps you, you send them home."  Well said, husband.  Well said.

Boobs...

I mean, Alli.  HELLO.  Do I even need to comment on what stood out to me about her?  Had they been any bigger, they would have needed their own zip code.  (Badum ssssssss.  Fist pump for old, lame jokes.  And for spelling 'Badum sssssss.')

Ashley S...

"Aren't you a tall drink of water."  My new favorite compliment.  Brad, "I love you already!"  Well obviously those 3 years of therapy worked out for you Brad, didn't they?

Meghan...

Holy worst shoes ever, Batman.  She was clearly channeling her inner Baby Spice.  Brad, "I love your shoes!"  Right, Brad.  

Lindsay...

The only thing that struck me about this one, is that she looked like a less attractive version of Giselle from Enchanted.  Yeah, that's all.

Madison...

Is it me, or was Brad's voice quivering a little bit?  If some chick with fangs approached me, I'd probably be a little shaky myself.  She looks at him and says, "You look delicious."  WTF?  Way to keep it cool, Madison.  Brad, "I like this, I like this... mysterious demeanour."  Translation: "You're a creepy ass chick.  Be gone."  My favorite part was when she laughed.  Hoooo ha ha ha ha ha.  Nothing quite as charming as the laugh of a model with fangs.

Melissa....

She runs and jumps into his arms, which is instantly followed by a "Am I too heavy for you?"  Please, Melissa.  We all know that it's a requirement to weigh less than 80 pounds to be on the show.  I almost wish he would have said yes.  You know, just to get the drama started early.

Cristy...

Brad, "Your smile is almost as big as mine."  Insult or compliment?  What do we think, Internet?

Jackie...

She made Brad pinky swear that he wouldn't break her heart.  Remember what I said about the awful one-liners?  Good grief.  

Sarah P....

Tells Brad to get on her knee and ask her to marry him.  Barf.  

Chris Harrison makes an appearance, and my husband mutters, "I hate that guy."  Then mumbled something about him and Jake Pavelka running away together.

Lacey...

"You're in this for the real thing now, right?"  Nah, he just kidding and has a secret wish to be stoned to death by the women of America.

Shawntel...

Um... Did she do her hair?  Or did the limo pick her up at the gym?  C'mon now.

Britnee...

Put her finger out the window and pulled a "Come hither" move for him to come and open her door.  Me?  Not a fan.  Brad?  "I like that, I really like that."  Well you really must have liked that, Brad.  Remind me, where is Britnee now?

Jill...

Definitely taller than Brad, and definitely shouldn't have made "I'm ready to get married..." the first words she ever spoke to him.  That didn't work out so well for you Jill, did it?

Lisa M...

I will always remember her by her ruby slippers and sex hair.  And that's about it...

Rebecca...

"Kissing frogs" blah blah blah.  Lame line.

J...

It's her birthday.  And she only has one letter in her name.  WTF?

Tenley...

Oh, I mean Keltie.  She's got the energy of about 17 cheerleaders.  *Shudder*  Wants to teach Brad some high kicks.  Thrilling.  Really.

Sarah L...

Tries to go for a dramatic "There's something about me you should know", only to tell him she can't snap.  Seriously.  I think even my dog's eyes rolled at that one.

Michelle...

Speaking of Enchanted, was it me, or did it look like she used some curtains to make that dress?  Holy slit.

And we finally get to go into the mansion and watch the women grill the hell out of poor Brad.  I mean seriously, that poor guy.  I mean, don't these women know he went through three years of therapy.  He soul searched.  He's changed.  Have we not figured that out already?  Yeesh.  Now he's got all sorts of pressure to choose someone or die the fiery, bitter death of a crap ton of seriously pissed off women.  I certainly hope, for his sake, that his wife is in there.    

A few things about all the mansion shenanigans...

-I don't think Kimberly could have popped out her eyes any farther than she kept doing last night.  Holy crap

-I think we all knew that Ashley S. would get the first impression rose.  She's the only one who didn't question Brad's intentions, or what he learned in his three years of therapy.  Thank you, Ashley S.

-ABC Raichel decides it'd be super fun and cool to wax one of his hands.  Then proceeds to tell him about all the under carriages and bat wings she's waxed.  If you're planning on getting any where near his under carriage Raichel, I might have saved that little gem until later.  I'm sure he appreciates that his hand is now bare as a baby's keister.  

-Jackie channels her inner Kasey Kahl and spontaneously sings a number for Brad.  "I don't have too much prepared," she warns.  Right... Why do people sing on this show?  Why?

-Alli thrusting her huge butt into Brad's face was certainly charming.  The rest of the girls look like they're about to throw up the crackers they had for dinner.  Way to keep it classy, Alli.

-Alli and Renee fighting was just flat out amusing.  Renee was seconds away from completely flying off the handle for only getting 24 seconds to talk to Brad. And that, my friends, is the kind of stuff that makes The Bachelor so awesome.  Catty girls, fighting over a boy.  Yes.

-Brad, "This isn't a game."  Uhhhhhhhhhhhh....

-Michelle made it clear to viewers and to Brad, about 639 times that she is indeed "a woman."

And finally it's time for the rose ceremony.  Is it me, or does the music they play during the rose ceremony sound eerily like the music they play on Who Wants to be a Millionaire?  Listen to it.  And tell me what you think?  Chris Harrison executes his job of stating the obvious perfectly, as he announces that there is only one rose left.  Thank you, Chris Harrison.  Really.  Brad starts handing out roses to the girls.  They all accepted them graciously.  And if Madison hasn't already flown her freak flag high enough, she definitely does it when she takes a bite out of Brad's neck when he gives her a rose.  So don't be surprised when Brad starts glittering in the sunlight next episode.

We see the 10 girls huff and puff out of the mansion.  Britnee cries, Lisa cries... and my husband mocks them the entire time.  "I'm on my period.... Waaaaaaah."  Oh, husband.  I think you're great.

And then we see previews for the whole season - I feel like we have some lovely blog posts in store.  Fist pump for The Bachelor!  WOO.

What did you think of this episode?