As we are getting further and further into the season, I feel like it is getting less and less exciting. It's either because Brad's personality is as bland as grape nuts or I know who wins...woops. Or it might even be that the dates make me extremely jealous that I could turn off the TV ($20000 shopping sprees). Let's see if I can't spice things up with some song dedications to my sista's from other mista's.
Alli: "I Like Big Butts"- Sir Mix Alot
I think we all know that Alli's assets are the size of Texas. What you don't know (but I do, obviously) is that Brad sings this song in his mind every time she walks into the room. Do you remember the first episode when she asked Brad if he could handle her big badonkadonk? Well, apparently he can, for now.
Ashley H.: "Tearin Up My Heart"-Nsync.
Yes. That's it. It took me a while to quite figure out what's going on with this girl. Thank you, Justin, for explaining EXACTLY what Ashley thinks of Brad. Ever since the first date where Brad and Ashley "really connected," she has been stressed to constipation that he is going to fall for someone else. Thus, acting like a complete fool in front of him. Remember? Hot tub seen? Last week's episode? She is going to driveme to drink. I think.
Britt: "The Wrong Girl" -Lee Ann Womack.
I think all the other girls can agree with me in saying she is just the wrong girl. Don't get me wrong, she's pretty, sweet, nice, quiet, pretty much perfect. But bachelor material? Nope. She's definitely not "controversial" enough. I need some drama ladies, she's not going to bring. Am I right? Am I right? Give her a kiss on the cheek and send her home.
Chantal: "L-O-V-E"- Nat King Cole.
She dropped the L bomb last night, how embarrassing. Even more embarrassing? The fact that she admitted that was the wrong word to use and Brad had to bring it up again and she almost cried. That was one of the not-so-dull moments of last night.
Emily: "Hear you me" - Jimmy Eat World.
K, this one is serious. No matter how many times I hear her story, I bawl. This song is what immediately came to my mind when I think of Emily. I think Emily deserves SO much better than Brad. Originally, I wanted Brad to choose her, but I am over that. I can't imagine going through the things she has gone through. Brad is not good enough. If you listen to this song, have a box of tissues ready. Seriously.
Jackie: "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" - Brittney Spears
While Jackie seems like the quiet, I-don't-want-to-get-involved, nice type, I can't get over her first date with Brad. "This is one of the best dates of my life." What? If you don't get it, go here. I think deep down inside, Jackie is one of the next "Real Housewives of Austin, Texas." Oh dear. Or she's the next Brittney Spears. Who knows. I can't read her.
Michelle: "You're So Vain" -Carly Simon.
The sole purposed of me choosing this song is because I know that everyone was expecting this. It's the perfect song for the perfect girl. I am sure she would agree, right?
Shawntel: "Material Girl" - Madonna
Can you say shopping spree? Wow, if she didn't like Brad before and was just putting like a show like all the rest of the girls, now she does. Now, now, I really do like Shawntel. Quite a bit, in fact. But after a shopping spree like that it would be hard to like Brad for the right reasons. Because we all totally know he paid for it out of his own pocket..... Stupid idea for a date? Yes. Would I love to have a 50K shopping spree? HECK YEAH!
I hope you enjoyed my dedications, as lame as they maybe. What song's remind you of our lovely's?
For the sake of being a good mom to a sick baby, today's post will be a little short. Not that last night's episode was that exciting anyways. I probably yawned every 3.2 seconds. Who was disappointed they didn't actually get to see Michelle get punched in the face? Stupid advertising. I was SO disappointed to find out she beat her own self up in the middle of the night. Oh wait, that's pretty funny too. Unfortunately, she has been under a lot of stress. Poor girl....waking up with heart burn, loss of appetite, and loss up sleep. Don't worry, Michelle, I have had that same thing happen to me....in my first trimester. Uh, do you have something to tell Brad? Oh how the tables would turn.
Highlight number two? EmOtIoNaL Ashley H. She is annoyance #2 in my mind (Michelle being number one, in case you didn't know). Going on The Bachelor I would think you would have to emotionally prepare. I mean, OF COURSE he is going to ONLY have feelings for you. Why do all the girls seem so surprised when Brad kisses someone else? It's actually starting to get really annoying. I can't say how I would react in the situation, but I definitely wouldn't act like a cry baby brat like Ashley did. And just to make it clear, I will never be in the situation...for quite a few reasons.
Highlight number three? Seeing Michelle cry. Bwahahahah. It kind of made my heart feel good.
Highlight number four? Brad sitting down with Emily to recreate their first date during the cocktail party. Just one more reason why I despised this episode. While I absolutely adore Mother Theresa, I don't think the point of the cocktail party is to recreate moments with the lady you have already chosen to be your wife. K, well maybe he hasn't decided, but it sure seemed like it. I lost a lot of respect for Brad when he did this (not that it was his idea or that I had respect for him initially).
And I just remembered I haven't had breakfast, so I am out?
Why did you hate this Episode? Really, I want to know. There was something about it I just can't figure out.
My apologies on the late post... I could pretend to have a perfectly valid excuse. But, well, I don't. So, there.
I'll be honest, I was rather bored with this episode. Or maybe it's just Brad that I'm bored with. Seriously. I think I'd have a better time with a tree, than with this dude. His chiseled body aside, I really just don't see what all the women are so hot and bothered over. He's got the personality of a freakin' piece of plastic.
I'm going to switch it up a little this week, mostly because I don't really feel like writing a long ass recap of something you guys watched 4 days ago. So I think I'm basically just going to run down my not-as-long-as-last-week's list of Bachelor notes. Because that's exciting.
Let's start off my list of ridiculous/amusing/irritating quotes from this episode:
"In the end, it will be just me and Brad in Tahiti, practicing making babies." -Michelle
From what I understand - Michelle doesn't need much practice.
"If it's karaoke, I'm gonna daaaaaaaaah." -Ashley S.
My husband and I argued for about 5 minutes on how to spell 'daaaaaaaaaah.'
"Just the fact that Brad picked the one song that's so close to my heart, just made me so happy." -Ashley S.
Yeah, because I'm sure it was Brad who picked the song. Or not.
"Pit stains are not hot. Look, I could easily have pit stains in this thing. That would not be cute. No." -Alli
"Brad's like, really good at this." -One of the girls, referencing Brad's "fighting" skills.
I'm sorry. But as soon as Brad came on screen nunchucking ninjas a la Jackie Chan, I couldn't stop laughing.
"Lisa's noises were just like birds chirping. YA. HOO." -Michelle, referencing Lisa's "fighting" noises.
Michelle's "bird chirping" sounds more like Princess Peach to me.
"It's like every time I start to feel like, special with you, like, someone else has the same experience." -Chantal
Husband: "And that's when she realized she was on The Bachelor.
"Oh no." -Brad, when anyone starts crying.
Seriously. This dude is not a fan of the waterworks. Could he look any more uncomfortable? Where's that therapist when you need him? You know, that's opposed to Jake Pavelka - who is the world's biggest man boob.
"She's like this itsy, bitsy tiny Barbie doll - with the soul of Mother Theresa. You want to hate her, but you can't. Because you can't hate Mother Theresa!" -Meghan
Probably my favorite quote of the night.
"I don't want you to pursue anyone else." -Michelle
"I wasn't expecting it at all." -Brad, on Madison's exit.
You weren't expecting it? Really? This guy is boring and oblivious.
Aaaaand then a few other thoughts on some of the other semi-interesting parts...
-I had to pause Brad and Ashley's version of "Kiss From a Rose" multiple times because I was so. flarking. embarrassed. for them. OH. EM. GEE. They would have been way better off singing "Mambo #5" or "Baby Got Back" - because those are songs that are okay to crucify.
-When Brad shows up, shirtless, and tied to a pole - I was legitimately concerned that their action movie was about to turn into a terrible porno. Since when does the damsel save the dude in distress. Spare me.
-D'oh. Someone else with daddy drama. Chantal, who hadn't talked to her dad in however long - decided to finally talk to him, only to find out that he had died. Only kind of depressing. Sheesh, ABC. Ease up on the sob stories. My word. After the Chantal/Brad couch scene my husband mumbled, "Well, that was nauseating."
-Michelle. She's irritating right down to the very core. However, I'm convinced that it's 90% editor/producer invoked. Michelle is an actress. She knows what will get her screen time. The editors know how to turn her into the villain. Heck, she even has her own evil theme music. I'm not saying I like her, because I don't. I can't imagine what they're portraying is too far off from the diva she probably is in real life. But I do think people need to remember that this show is heavilyedited and manipulated.
-I may or may not have a huge lesbian crush on Emily, but the outfit she wore onher date with Brad was... not my favorite.
-Shawn and I were just waiting for Brad to feel like a complete douche canoe after he realizes all the crap he gave her about only having one serious relationship. What's this guy's deal with numbers and how many past relationships the girls have had? Get over it.
-I still think Brad is the most dull human being alive. Just in case you were wondering.
-He brought his therapist on the show? Really?
-I was absolutely thrilled that Madison left. Not because I didn't like her, or because she's a vampire, or because her boobs were about to fall out of her cocktail dress. But because I think it's about time that someone leaves because they aren't interested in The Bachelor. Yes.
There's probably more I could blab on about - but the next episode is in like, three days. So eh, let's move on?
Who's excited for Michelle to get punched in the face?
Last night's overdose of The Bachelor left me with very mixed feelings. Though I had heard Emily's terrible life story about 6.567 million times before, I still found myself tearing up when she told it to the other girls. I also teared up when Fang's Girl, Madison, left. I think I made some quick assumptions about her and then realized she was probably the most unselfish girl that has ever been on the show. I am just hoping her and the leader of the under ground world, or whatever, can hook up again quickly. On the other side of the emotional spectrum (because there is one) Michelle and her cat claws managed to creep (literally, creep) their way into my soul and scratch out every single chance of me ever, EVER liking her. Congratulations.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, here are the Top 10 Reasons Michelle Money (yes, that is her real last name) will not "win" over The Bachelor....
10) It was her 30th birthday last episode (not sure if you knew that or not). We all know that 30 years old on The Bachelor is like 5-7 years to old. If only you applied a couple years earlier you could have been chasing the heart of (none other than) Brad Womack.....and you still wouldn't have been good enough. Eh, nobody would have been actually.
Courtesy of Google Images
9) Her eyebrows are clearly too close together. A centimeter closer and she'd have a uni. Enough said.
Courtesy of Google Images
8) She's a stalker/eve's dropper/creeper. Last night was like a horror movie. Romeo and Juliet #14 were having an intimate conversation with sweet birds chirping the the chirping stops and the Jaws music starts playing.. dundun dunDUN DUNDUN...(turn around) MICHELLE!!
Courtesy of Google Images
7) Her and Brad have already had a "fight." Yes, a fight. Because Brad didn't see the fireworks (image: My hand falling stretch up, then falling with spirit fingers) Michelle promised us for when they kissed for the first time...so he went and kissed two other girls. Shoot.
Courtesy of Google Images
6) She is a broken r-r-r-r-record. It's my birthday-it's my birthbirthday-iiiit's my birthday-i got a rose bbirthday- it's my it's my it's my I got a rose. TURN IT OFF!!!!
Courtesy of Google Images
5) Her ears will most likely be the size of the Asia (no not just China) by the time this season is over. If you don't know what I am talking about, please review the last 2 episodes.
(Image: Very big ear, perhaps the size of Asia)
4) Her name spells D-R-A-M-A. I think Brad has already made it clear what he thinks about Drama Queens. Remember Raichel and Melissa? Me neither.
Courtesy of Google Images
3) Her last name is Money. Let me clarify. Her ex-husband's last name is Money. Say it all together now.. M a t e r i a l G i r l. She is also known for cheating on that husband and messing around with Carlos Boozer, who was married at the time. Nice. I REALLY want to marry her now.
2) She looks freakishly like Jillian Michaels. And that scares.me.to.death
Courtesy of Google Images
1) And finally, she's a mean, selfish, dramatic, arrogant, home wrecking, over done, lying, stalking unibrow of entertainment. And for that reason, I hope he keeps her around just a little bit longer.
I didn't get a chance to watch The Bachelor when it aired, because apparently the championship game between Oregon and Auburn was far more important. (Snore.) I mean, I guess I could have watched it by myself, but that isn't nearly as entertaining. Since when do husbands choose football over The Bachelor? Oh wait...
Anyways, we finally sat down and watched it. And boy do I have some notes for you, Internet. (That's right. I take notes when I watch The Bachelor. My life is exponentially cooler than yours. Obviously.)
So let's re-cap, shall we?
We start out with Brad, saying just about everything he had said 984 times in the first episode. He's happy, he's a new person, he's thrilled for a second chance. Except this time it didn't take 45 minutes - it took 5. There we go, ABC.
We finally start getting into the good stuff when Chris Harrison walks in and starts telling the girls about the dates. He pulls out the first date card and all the girls shriek in true sorority girl fashion. The girls find out that Ashley H. is the lucky recipient of the all-elusive one-on-one date card. Ashley S. is none too pleased. Her face goes from normal, to "my puppy died", to stone cold killer in about t minus 6.4 seconds. There there, Ashley.
Ashley H. comes out, looking like she let Santa's elves dress her for her date. Hello, gold wrapping paper dress.Before we know it, she and Brad are balling down a dark, dirt road in an Aston Martin. Because, that happens. Ashley starts "like, freaking out." And then Brad stabbed her.
Okay, not really. But that would have added an interesting twist to the show. Amiright?
Obviously she isn't really freaked out, what, with the however many camera crews surrounding the car and big burly Brad to protect her. Please. They finally get out of the car where he leads her to a big ass switch. What could it possibly be? She flips the switch and an entire amusement park lights up, with rides going and everything.
Husband: "Is there really one switch that turns on the entire park? Really? Are we in a cartoon?"
They frolic around and act like children. Brad is impressed that the dentist is capable of having fun in her tiny little Christmas dress. They play games, they go on rides, and Ashley eats cotton candy. Are dentists allowed to eat cotton candy?
Husband (quoting Brad): "'I. am. having. so. much. fun. with. Ashley.' Could he sound any more monotone? Clearly he's excited."
Then we take a small break to visit the girls back at the mansion to see who gets to go on the group date. When the card arrives, we get, yet another collective squee from all the girls. Shrieking, giggling girls stress me out. Makes me want to punch something cute and small. I digress. We find out that Brad will be taking not 1, not 7, but 15 lovely ladies on the group date. Every girl instantly looks disgusted. Good move, ABC. Stick 15 girls, all lusting after the same boring dude, on a date together - and you've got yourself one heck of a drama goldmine.
Then Michelle announces that her birthday is the next day. The day of the group date. And boy is she steamed.
D'oh, now we're back to Brad and Ashley H., who are in a photo booth. With the camera crew? Right. My husband continues to quote everything Brad says in a Forrest Gump accent - because he obviously he thinks Brad's a real champ.Then they play some more games. We see Ashley's nipple, or a very unfortunately placed birthmark. (I actually was so busy scribbling super important notes that I didn't notice this, until I read about it on the internet. Seriously. When she does the hammer game thing, her nipple is hanging out for like 2 seconds. Maybe that's why she gets a rose. Cough.) Anyways, then Brad steals a big stuffed bear. Because when you're The Bachelor, you don't need to win things. You can just take them.
Then they sit down with some classy alcohol and start discussing, you guess it, their daddy issues. Nothing like some good old fashioned father abandonment to bring two people together. Ashley talks about being nervous that he'll feel forced to choose someone. Which I think it's a perfectly justified concern. Can you imagine if he didn't choose someone again. Poor dude would be stoned to death. Ashley goes on to say that she'd like to be able to "stand on [her] own two feet." During this part, I wrote in my notes, "Daddy issues, dramatic music, daddy issues, dramatic music, daddy issues, dramatic music." Clearly I'm over the ghosts of crappy fathers past.
Ashley is nice, I don't really have any issues with her. Other than her terrible, revealing Christmas dress. But they seemed to get along nicely. Soooo, awesome. Moving right along.
Let the Michelle bitchfest commence. Because remember, it's her birthday, and she has to share it with 14 other girls. Life is so effing hard, Michelle. "I think I have more wrinkles today." I don't think my eyes have ever rolled that far back into my head. Spare me. She continues to whine about how absolutely terrible her day is going to be. Because if you haven't heard, it's her birthday. And ABC is making her share. Damn.
Then we find out their group date is that they're going to do public service announcementsto help out the American Red Cross. Which didn't really make any sense at all to me in the beginning, but whatever. I can imagine how thrilled Madison, the vampire model, was to be working so closely with the American Red Cross. (Okay, so my vampire jokes suck.) Then we get a load of Michelle. Again. Because, it's her birthday. "People are going to piss me off today, I know it." Someone clearly shoved a tree up her ass while she was sleeping. She was one big ray of sunshine that day - her birthday, in case you hadn't heard.
They did a bunch of random scenes for the PSAs. None of which I will really get into. Because, well... I don't care. You saw it. Lots of slutty outfits, making out, and girls getting jealous. Especially Michelle, who wasn't getting the attention she believed she deserved on her 30th birthday. Dammit Brad, who do you think you are? It's Michelle's birthday! According to her, apparently this isn't how she pictured spending her 30th birthday. I'm kind of curious what she would have been doing otherwise... I don't know how someone hasn't punched this girl in the ovaries already. Sweet son of Moses.
Michelle finally goes mega diva, and doesn't end up doing her PSA with Brad, because she's so steamed that she hasn't gotten any presents from anyone yet. You know, for her birthday. Or maybe it was because dragging the most massive earrings around on her face had drained her energy. Holy sheet, those things were as big as her face. Brad attempts to calm the fire-breathing dragon. And she tells him, "You have walls, like I feel like we need to dissect you." Husband: "Eeeeeeeeeeh. Wrong." Oh, Michelle. I half expect her to go absolutely, postal at any second. Good grief. She ends up getting the rose. Which irritated me right down to the core. WTF, Brad? Then she obviously taunted the other girls as she waved the rose in front of their faces. I almost punched a hole through our TV screen.
Then we hear Brad say, "At the end of the day, this is real life." Ummmmmm... No. No Brad. It is not. I could mock this further, but I choose not to. (Mostly because this is turning into a long post that even I wouldn't bother to read.)
The next one-on-one date belongs to Jackie. She gets to spend special robe time with Brad. She gets a facial. She gets to choose out of about 846 dresses and shoes. She gets to wear jewelry that probably costs more than my car. Okay, not really. But - who even knows. The contestants on this show are already so damn spoiled on their dates. Anyways, Brad basically spoils the living crap out of her.And then they go to the Hollywood Bowl - at least I think that's what it was called, and they have dinner 5 feet away from the stage. "This is one of the best dates of my life," says Jackie. One of the best dates? This is the best date you'll ever go on.
Jackie seems like a nice girl too. There's something weird about her face - I mean, don't get me wrong, she's beautiful - but, anyone hear me?
We finally get to the cocktail party, where Michelle snaps Brad away mid-sentence talking to the rest of the girls, because she's the effing Queen of Sheba. Oh, and I don't know if you heard, but her birthday was this week. So everyone is assuming it's some urgent matter that she must take up with Brad ASAP. When all she ends up asking him is his coffee preference, and what he keeps in his fridge. Brad (and everyone watching, for that matter) has a permanent WTF face through the entire conversations. Though, he kind of has a stupid face pretty much always. He rarely looks genuinely happy to me. It looks forced, nervous, pained, irritated, confused and boring most of the time. I'm trying to like Brad, really, I am. But seriously? I just don't get what's so awesome about him, other than burly muscles? Anyone...?
Out of no where, Melissa and Manscaper start bitching at each other. I seriously don't understand where that even came from? Also, could Manscaper's boobs be any more fake huge? Anyways, so Melissa and Raichel are calling each other psychos and energy sucks and every catty insult you can think of. They whine to all the other girls about each other, and most of the girls try to stay uninvolved. And before you know it, they're both blubbering all over the place. Brad sees Melissa crying, and couldn't look any less thrilled if he tried. She sealed her own fate when she started talking about all her drama in the house. No no, I take that back. She sealed her own fate when she started talking about the damn onions she had on her four slices of pizza for dinner. Turns out Brad doesn't find the poor attempt at comic relief at all amusing. He looked like he'd rather be stapling his hand to a desk.
He finally manages to rid himself of Melissa, only to run into Raichel, who is also bawling in a corner. We hear him heavy sigh, and ask for a hug. She then tells her side of all the drama to Brad, who's eyes are glazed over while he daydreams of rain drops and roses.
He finally gets rid of her and because I've spent way too much time on this post, the rest is going to be a fairly abridged.
Ali and Roberto (from last season) show up.
Roberto looks good. Ali doesn't.
Emily gets the rose of the night.
Melissa, Raichel, and Keltie are eliminated. Thank heavens.
Husband thinks Keltie should be on suicide watch. She was an absolute mess.
Melissa: "Like, I'm a really nice person." Clearly.
I'm proud of Brad for getting rid of the drama queens. No one needs that. Well, except for the audience, for sheer viewing pleasure.
There was so much in this most recent episode the made me cringe. However, the thought that went in to everything that came out of the girls' mouths tickled my fancy the most. And here is what I thought...
"It's my 30th birthday." -Michelle -Well, happy birthday, Michelle!
"Usually my dates don't start on a deserted dirt road in the pitch black." -Ashley H. -That's weird because mine usually start like that with a guy wearing a plaid flannel shirt with a full beard, crooked teeth, and an ax in hand.
"This is one of the best dates of my life." - Yeah, because if I got pampered at a spa with a sexy man's chest poking out of a robe that he is most likely naked under and then given a beautiful dress, and shoes, and a necklace, and a rose and then got to slow dance to a private concert from Train, that would only be ONE of the best dates of my life. Paleeze.
"This is NOT how I expected to spend my 30th birthday." -Michelle - Well first, happy birthday, again. Next, I wouldn't expect to spend my 30th birthday making a fool of myself in front of millions of people either.
"Is that really what you asked him?" to Michelle, "Because I just thought you were just being a smart ass." - Emily -You go, girl!!!!!
"It's my 30th birthday." -Michelle -Yep, I think I got the point
"I think this process not only brings out people's true colors, it also brings out the craziness in people." - Chantel O. -And that, folks, is why we love The Bachelor.
"I spent a fortune on clothes and dresses and gowns and like, I quit my job to be here." - Melissa -I would of done this too. Why not? If I had a one in 30 chance of winning over a guy in six weeks, I would quit my job, sell my house and car, max out my credit cards on glittery dress that I have to readjust every 2 seconds.... AND probably disown my family. Good choice, Melissa. I hope the job market treats you well.
"You know, seeing it is, it is my birthday, I got a rose. And that is what I wanted more than anything. I got a rose. I got a roooooosssssse. I feel like I got everything I wanted for my birthday. I got a rose." -guess -I wasn't sure what this whole statement really meant. Did she get a rose and is it her birthday today? aj;osdifjpoaiwd;vlkja;ljdv; [Deep Breath]. Is she bugging anyone else yet? I think I may just have to tune her out in the upcoming episodes.
And the winner is...
[While crying and spilling her feelings to Brad] "I'm sorry, I had onions in my pizza.....I'm like, gosh, I shouldn't of had that onions and pepperoni and everything...and I had four slices." -Melissa -Buh Bye now, Melissa. Don't let the door hit you on your way out.
What was your favorite quote from last night's episode?