Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Tuesday's Hangover: Highlights

For the sake of being a good mom to a sick baby, today's post will be a little short. Not that last night's episode was that exciting anyways. I probably yawned every 3.2 seconds. Who was disappointed they didn't actually get to see Michelle get punched in the face? Stupid advertising. I was SO disappointed to find out she beat her own self up in the middle of the night. Oh wait, that's pretty funny too. Unfortunately, she has been under a lot of stress. Poor girl....waking up with heart burn, loss of appetite, and loss up sleep. Don't worry, Michelle, I have had that same thing happen to me....in my first trimester. Uh, do you have something to tell Brad? Oh how the tables would turn.

Highlight number two? EmOtIoNaL Ashley H. She is annoyance #2 in my mind (Michelle being number one, in case you didn't know). Going on The Bachelor I would think you would have to emotionally prepare. I mean, OF COURSE he is going to ONLY have feelings for you. Why do all the girls seem so surprised when Brad kisses someone else? It's actually starting to get really annoying. I can't say how I would react in the situation, but I definitely wouldn't act like a cry baby brat like Ashley did. And just to make it clear, I will never be in the situation...for quite a few reasons.

Highlight number three? Seeing Michelle cry. Bwahahahah. It kind of made my heart feel good.

Highlight number four? Brad sitting down with Emily to recreate their first date during the cocktail party. Just one more reason why I despised this episode. While I absolutely adore Mother Theresa, I don't think the point of the cocktail party is to recreate moments with the lady you have already chosen to be your wife. K, well maybe he hasn't decided, but it sure seemed like it. I lost a lot of respect for Brad when he did this (not that it was his idea or that I had respect for him initially).

And I just remembered I haven't had breakfast, so I am out?


Why did you hate this Episode? Really, I want to know. There was something about it I just can't figure out.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Chelsea's Thoughts on Episode 3: The Abridged Version

My apologies on the late post...  I could pretend to have a perfectly valid excuse.  But, well, I don't.  So, there.

I'll be honest, I was rather bored with this episode.  Or maybe it's just Brad that I'm bored with.  Seriously.  I think I'd have a better time with a tree, than with this dude.  His chiseled body aside, I really just don't see what all the women are so hot and bothered over.  He's got the personality of a freakin' piece of plastic.

I'm going to switch it up a little this week, mostly because I don't really feel like writing a long ass recap of something you guys watched 4 days ago.  So I think I'm basically just going to run down my not-as-long-as-last-week's list of Bachelor notes.  Because that's exciting.

Let's start off my list of ridiculous/amusing/irritating quotes from this episode:

"In the end, it will be just me and Brad in Tahiti, practicing making babies."  -Michelle
From what I understand - Michelle doesn't need much practice.  

"If it's karaoke, I'm gonna daaaaaaaaah."  -Ashley S.
My husband and I argued for about 5 minutes on how to spell 'daaaaaaaaaah.'
He won.

"Just the fact that Brad picked the one song that's so close to my heart, just made me so happy." -Ashley S.
Yeah, because I'm sure it was Brad who picked the song.  Or not.

"Pit stains are not hot.  Look, I could easily have pit stains in this thing.  That would not be cute.  No."  -Alli
Why, Allie?

"Brad's like, really good at this."  -One of the girls, referencing Brad's "fighting" skills.
I'm sorry.  But as soon as Brad came on screen nunchucking ninjas a la Jackie Chan, I couldn't stop laughing.

"Lisa's noises were just like birds chirping.  YA.  HOO."  -Michelle, referencing Lisa's "fighting" noises.
Michelle's "bird chirping" sounds more like Princess Peach to me.

"It's like every time I start to feel like, special with you, like, someone else has the same experience."  -Chantal
Husband: "And that's when she realized she was on The Bachelor.

"Oh no."  -Brad, when anyone starts crying.
Seriously.  This dude is not a fan of the waterworks.  Could he look any more uncomfortable?  Where's that therapist when you need him?  You know, that's opposed to Jake Pavelka - who is the world's biggest man boob.

"She's like this itsy, bitsy tiny Barbie doll - with the soul of Mother Theresa.  You want to hate her, but you can't.  Because you can't hate Mother Theresa!"  -Meghan
Probably my favorite quote of the night.

"I don't want you to pursue anyone else."  -Michelle
Um?

"I wasn't expecting it at all."  -Brad, on Madison's exit.
You weren't expecting it?  Really?  This guy is boring and oblivious.


Aaaaand then a few other thoughts on some of the other semi-interesting parts...

-I had to pause Brad and Ashley's version of "Kiss From a Rose" multiple times because I was so. flarking. embarrassed. for them.  OH. EM. GEE.  They would have been way better off singing "Mambo #5" or "Baby Got Back" - because those are songs that are okay to crucify. 

-When Brad shows up, shirtless, and tied to a pole - I was legitimately concerned that their action movie was about to turn into a terrible porno.  Since when does the damsel save the dude in distress.  Spare me.

-D'oh.  Someone else with daddy drama.  Chantal, who hadn't talked to her dad in however long - decided to finally talk to him, only to find out that he had died.  Only kind of depressing.  Sheesh, ABC.  Ease up on the sob stories.  My word.  After the Chantal/Brad couch scene my husband mumbled, "Well, that was nauseating."

-Michelle.  She's irritating right down to the very core.  However, I'm convinced that it's 90% editor/producer invoked.  Michelle is an actress.  She knows what will get her screen time.  The editors know how to turn her into the villain.  Heck, she even has her own evil theme music.  I'm not saying I like her, because I don't.  I can't imagine what they're portraying is too far off from the diva she probably is in real life.  But I do think people need to remember that this show is heavily edited and manipulated.

-I may or may not have a huge lesbian crush on Emily, but the outfit she wore on her date with Brad was... not my favorite.

-Shawn and I were just waiting for Brad to feel like a complete douche canoe after he realizes all the crap he gave her about only having one serious relationship.  What's this guy's deal with numbers and how many past relationships the girls have had?  Get over it.

-I still think Brad is the most dull human being alive.  Just in case you were wondering.

-He brought his therapist on the show?  Really?  


-I was absolutely thrilled that Madison left.  Not because I didn't like her, or because she's a vampire, or because her boobs were about to fall out of her cocktail dress.  But because I think it's about time that someone leaves because they aren't interested in The Bachelor.  Yes.  




There's probably more I could blab on about - but the next episode is in like, three days.  So eh, let's move on?


Who's excited for Michelle to get punched in the face?

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Tuesday's Hangover: All About Michelle

Last night's overdose of The Bachelor left me with very mixed feelings. Though I had heard Emily's terrible life story about 6.567 million times before, I still found myself tearing up when she told it to the other girls. I also teared up when Fang's Girl, Madison, left. I think I made some quick assumptions about her and then realized she was probably the most unselfish girl that has ever been on the show. I am just hoping her and the leader of the under ground world, or whatever, can hook up again quickly. On the other side of the emotional spectrum (because there is one) Michelle and her cat claws managed to creep (literally, creep) their way into my soul and scratch out every single chance of me ever, EVER liking her. Congratulations.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, here are the Top 10 Reasons Michelle Money (yes, that is her real last name) will not "win" over The Bachelor....





10) It was her 30th birthday last episode (not sure if you knew that or not). We all know that 30 years old on The Bachelor is like 5-7 years to old. If only you applied a couple years earlier you could have been chasing the heart of (none other than) Brad Womack.....and you still wouldn't have been good enough. Eh, nobody would have been actually.


Courtesy of Google Images


9) Her eyebrows are clearly too close together. A centimeter closer and she'd have a uni. Enough said.


Courtesy of Google Images


8) She's a stalker/eve's dropper/creeper. Last night was like a horror movie. Romeo and Juliet #14 were having an intimate conversation with sweet birds chirping the the chirping stops and the Jaws music starts playing.. dundun dunDUN DUNDUN...(turn around) MICHELLE!!


Courtesy of Google Images




7) Her and Brad have already had a "fight." Yes, a fight. Because Brad didn't see the fireworks (image: My hand falling stretch up, then falling with spirit fingers) Michelle promised us for when they kissed for the first time...so he went and kissed two other girls. Shoot.



Courtesy of Google Images


6) She is a broken r-r-r-r-record. It's my birthday-it's my birthbirthday-iiiit's my birthday-i got a rose bbirthday- it's my it's my it's my I got a rose. TURN IT OFF!!!!


Courtesy of Google Images



5) Her ears will most likely be the size of the Asia (no not just China) by the time this season is over. If you don't know what I am talking about, please review the last 2 episodes.




(Image: Very big ear, perhaps the size of Asia)






4) Her name spells D-R-A-M-A. I think Brad has already made it clear what he thinks about Drama Queens. Remember Raichel and Melissa? Me neither.




Courtesy of Google Images




3) Her last name is Money. Let me clarify. Her ex-husband's last name is Money. Say it all together now.. M a t e r i a l G i r l. She is also known for cheating on that husband and messing around with Carlos Boozer, who was married at the time. Nice. I REALLY want to marry her now.





2) She looks freakishly like Jillian Michaels. And that scares.me.to.death



Courtesy of Google Images


1) And finally, she's a mean, selfish, dramatic, arrogant, home wrecking, over done, lying, stalking unibrow of entertainment. And for that reason, I hope he keeps her around just a little bit longer.




(Insert mental image here)








What do you think about Michelle?




Thursday, January 13, 2011

Thursday's Dose of Bachelor. Love, Chelsea.

I didn't get a chance to watch The Bachelor when it aired, because apparently the championship game between Oregon and Auburn was far more important.  (Snore.)  I mean, I guess I could have watched it by myself, but that isn't nearly as entertaining.  Since when do husbands choose football over The Bachelor?   Oh wait...

Anyways, we finally sat down and watched it.  And boy do I have some notes for you, Internet.  (That's right.  I take notes when I watch The Bachelor.  My life is exponentially cooler than yours.  Obviously.)


So let's re-cap, shall we?

We start out with Brad, saying just about everything he had said 984 times in the first episode.  He's happy, he's a new person, he's thrilled for a second chance.  Except this time it didn't take 45 minutes - it took 5.  There we go, ABC.

We finally start getting into the good stuff when Chris Harrison walks in and starts telling the girls about the dates.     He pulls out the first date card and all the girls shriek in true sorority girl fashion.  The girls find out that Ashley H. is the lucky recipient of the all-elusive one-on-one date card.  Ashley S. is none too pleased.  Her face goes from normal, to "my puppy died", to stone cold killer in about t minus 6.4 seconds.  There there, Ashley.

Ashley H. comes out, looking like she let Santa's elves dress her for her date.  Hello, gold wrapping paper dress.  Before we know it, she and Brad are balling down a dark, dirt road in an Aston Martin.  Because, that happens.  Ashley starts "like, freaking out."  And then Brad stabbed her.

Okay, not really.  But that would have added an interesting twist to the show.  Amiright?

Obviously she isn't really freaked out, what, with the however many camera crews surrounding the car and big burly Brad to protect her.  Please.  They finally get out of the car where he leads her to a big ass switch.  What could it possibly be?  She flips the switch and an entire amusement park lights up, with rides going and everything.

Husband: "Is there really one switch that turns on the entire park?  Really?  Are we in a cartoon?"

They frolic around and act like children.  Brad is impressed that the dentist is capable of having fun in her tiny little Christmas dress.  They play games, they go on rides, and Ashley eats cotton candy.  Are dentists allowed to eat cotton candy?

Husband (quoting Brad): "'I. am. having. so. much. fun. with. Ashley.'  Could he sound any more monotone?  Clearly he's excited."

Then we take a small break to visit the girls back at the mansion to see who gets to go on the group date.  When the card arrives, we get, yet another collective squee from all the girls.  Shrieking, giggling girls stress me out.  Makes me want to punch something cute and small.  I digress.  We find out that Brad will be taking not 1, not 7, but 15 lovely ladies on the group date.  Every girl instantly looks disgusted.  Good move, ABC.  Stick 15 girls, all lusting after the same boring dude, on a date together - and you've got yourself one heck of a drama goldmine.

Then Michelle announces that her birthday is the next day.  The day of the group date.  And boy is she steamed.

D'oh, now we're back to Brad and Ashley H., who are in a photo booth.  With the camera crew?  Right.  My husband continues to quote everything Brad says in a Forrest Gump accent - because he obviously he thinks Brad's a real champ.  Then they play some more games.  We see Ashley's nipple, or a very unfortunately placed birthmark.  (I actually was so busy scribbling super important notes that I didn't notice this, until I read about it on the internet.  Seriously.  When she does the hammer game thing, her nipple is hanging out for like 2 seconds.  Maybe that's why she gets a rose.  Cough.)  Anyways, then Brad steals a big stuffed bear.  Because when you're The Bachelor, you don't need to win things.  You can just take them.

Then they sit down with some classy alcohol and start discussing, you guess it, their daddy issues.  Nothing like some good old fashioned father abandonment to bring two people together.  Ashley talks about being nervous that he'll feel forced to choose someone.  Which I think it's a perfectly justified concern.  Can you imagine if he didn't choose someone again.  Poor dude would be stoned to death.  Ashley goes on to say that she'd like to be able to "stand on [her] own two feet."  During this part, I wrote in my notes, "Daddy issues, dramatic music, daddy issues, dramatic music, daddy issues, dramatic music."  Clearly I'm over the ghosts of crappy fathers past.

Ashley is nice, I don't really have any issues with her.  Other than her terrible, revealing Christmas dress.  But they seemed to get along nicely.  Soooo, awesome.  Moving right along.

Let the Michelle bitchfest commence.  Because remember, it's her birthday, and she has to share it with 14 other girls.  Life is so effing hard, Michelle.  "I think I have more wrinkles today."  I don't think my eyes have ever rolled that far back into my head.  Spare me.  She continues to whine about how absolutely terrible her day is going to be.  Because if you haven't heard, it's her birthday.  And ABC is making her share.  Damn.

Then we find out their group date is that they're going to do public service announcements to help out the American Red Cross.  Which didn't really make any sense at all to me in the beginning, but whatever.  I can imagine how thrilled Madison, the vampire model, was to be working so closely with the American Red Cross.  (Okay, so my vampire jokes suck.)  Then we get a load of Michelle.  Again.  Because, it's her birthday.  "People are going to piss me off today, I know it."  Someone clearly shoved a tree up her ass while she was sleeping.  She was one big ray of sunshine that day - her birthday, in case you hadn't heard.

They did a bunch of random scenes for the PSAs.  None of which I will really get into.  Because, well... I don't care.  You saw it.  Lots of slutty outfits, making out, and girls getting jealous.  Especially Michelle, who wasn't getting the attention she believed she deserved on her 30th birthday.  Dammit Brad, who do you think you are?  It's Michelle's birthday!  According to her, apparently this isn't how she pictured spending her 30th birthday.  I'm kind of curious what she would have been doing otherwise... I don't know how someone hasn't punched this girl in the ovaries already. Sweet son of Moses.

Michelle finally goes mega diva, and doesn't end up doing her PSA with Brad, because she's so steamed that she hasn't gotten any presents from anyone yet.  You know, for her birthday.  Or maybe it was because dragging the most massive earrings around on her face had drained her energy.  Holy sheet, those things were as big as her face.  Brad attempts to calm the fire-breathing dragon.  And she tells him, "You have walls, like I feel like we need to dissect you."  Husband: "Eeeeeeeeeeh.  Wrong."  Oh, Michelle. I half expect her to go absolutely, postal at any second.  Good grief.  She ends up getting the rose.  Which irritated me right down to the core.  WTF, Brad?  Then she obviously taunted the other girls as she waved the rose in front of their faces.  I almost punched a hole through our TV screen.

Then we hear Brad say, "At the end of the day, this is real life."  Ummmmmm... No.  No Brad.  It is not.  I could mock this further, but I choose not to.  (Mostly because this is turning into a long post that even I wouldn't bother to read.)


The next one-on-one date belongs to Jackie.  She gets to spend special robe time with Brad.  She gets a facial.  She gets to choose out of about 846 dresses and shoes.  She gets to wear jewelry that probably costs more than my car.  Okay, not really.  But - who even knows.  The contestants on this show are already so damn spoiled on their dates.  Anyways, Brad basically spoils the living crap out of her.  And then they go to the Hollywood Bowl - at least I think that's what it was called, and they have dinner 5 feet away from the stage.  "This is one of the best dates of my life," says Jackie.  One of the best dates?  This is the best date you'll ever go on.

Jackie seems like a nice girl too.  There's something weird about her face - I mean, don't get me wrong, she's beautiful - but, anyone hear me?

We finally get to the cocktail party, where Michelle snaps Brad away mid-sentence talking to the rest of the girls, because she's the effing Queen of Sheba.  Oh, and I don't know if you heard, but her birthday was this week.  So everyone is assuming it's some urgent matter that she must take up with Brad ASAP.  When all she ends up asking him is his coffee preference, and what he keeps in his fridge.  Brad (and everyone watching, for that matter) has a permanent WTF face through the entire conversations.  Though, he kind of has a stupid face pretty much always.  He rarely looks genuinely happy to me.  It looks forced, nervous, pained, irritated, confused and boring most of the time.  I'm trying to like Brad, really, I am.  But seriously?  I just don't get what's so awesome about him, other than burly muscles?  Anyone...?

Out of no where, Melissa and Manscaper start bitching at each other.  I seriously don't understand where that even came from?  Also, could Manscaper's boobs be any more fake huge?  Anyways, so Melissa and Raichel are calling each other psychos and energy sucks and every catty insult you can think of.  They whine to all the other girls about each other, and most of the girls try to stay uninvolved.  And before you know it, they're both blubbering all over the place.  Brad sees Melissa crying, and couldn't look any less thrilled if he tried.  She sealed her own fate when she started talking about all her drama in the house.  No no, I take that back.  She sealed her own fate when she started talking about the damn onions she had on her four slices of pizza for dinner.  Turns out Brad doesn't find the poor attempt at comic relief at all amusing.  He looked like he'd rather be stapling his hand to a desk.

He finally manages to rid himself of Melissa, only to run into Raichel, who is also bawling in a corner.  We hear him heavy sigh, and ask for a hug.  She then tells her side of all the drama to Brad, who's eyes are glazed over while he daydreams of rain drops and roses.

He finally gets rid of her and because I've spent way too much time on this post, the rest is going to be a fairly abridged.

Ali and Roberto (from last season) show up.
Roberto looks good.  Ali doesn't.
Emily gets the rose of the night.
Melissa, Raichel, and Keltie are eliminated.  Thank heavens.
Husband thinks Keltie should be on suicide watch.  She was an absolute mess.
Melissa: "Like, I'm a really nice person."  Clearly.
I'm proud of Brad for getting rid of the drama queens.  No one needs that.  Well, except for the audience, for sheer viewing pleasure.

And that, Internet, is all I can muster up.  WOO.



Do you think Brad is super great?
Who's your favorite girl now?
What do you think of Michelle?



Until next time...

Monday, January 10, 2011

Tuesday's Hangover: Quotes I Hope You Never (ever) Forget

There was so much in this most recent episode the made me cringe. However, the thought that went in to everything that came out of the girls' mouths tickled my fancy the most. And here is what I thought...

"It's my 30th birthday." -Michelle
-Well, happy birthday, Michelle!

"Usually my dates don't start on a deserted dirt road in the pitch black." -Ashley H.
-That's weird because mine usually start like that with a guy wearing a plaid flannel shirt with a full beard, crooked teeth, and an ax in hand.

"This is one of the best dates of my life."
- Yeah, because if I got pampered at a spa with a sexy man's chest poking out of a robe that he is most likely naked under and then given a beautiful dress, and shoes, and a necklace, and a rose and then got to slow dance to a private concert from Train, that would only be ONE of the best dates of my life. Paleeze.

"This is NOT how I expected to spend my 30th birthday." -Michelle
- Well first, happy birthday, again. Next, I wouldn't expect to spend my 30th birthday making a fool of myself in front of millions of people either.

"Is that really what you asked him?" to Michelle, "Because I just thought you were just being a smart ass." - Emily
-You go, girl!!!!!

"It's my 30th birthday." -Michelle
-Yep, I think I got the point

"I think this process not only brings out people's true colors, it also brings out the craziness in people." - Chantel O.
-And that, folks, is why we love The Bachelor.

"I spent a fortune on clothes and dresses and gowns and like, I quit my job to be here." - Melissa
-I would of done this too. Why not? If I had a one in 30 chance of winning over a guy in six weeks, I would quit my job, sell my house and car, max out my credit cards on glittery dress that I have to readjust every 2 seconds.... AND probably disown my family. Good choice, Melissa. I hope the job market treats you well.

"You know, seeing it is, it is my birthday, I got a rose. And that is what I wanted more than anything. I got a rose. I got a roooooosssssse. I feel like I got everything I wanted for my birthday. I got a rose." -guess
-I wasn't sure what this whole statement really meant. Did she get a rose and is it her birthday today? aj;osdifjpoaiwd;vlkja;ljdv; [Deep Breath]. Is she bugging anyone else yet? I think I may just have to tune her out in the upcoming episodes.

And the winner is...

[While crying and spilling her feelings to Brad] "I'm sorry, I had onions in my pizza.....I'm like, gosh, I shouldn't of had that onions and pepperoni and everything...and I had four slices." -Melissa
-Buh Bye now, Melissa. Don't let the door hit you on your way out.











What was your favorite quote from last night's episode?

Friday, January 7, 2011

Chelsea's {Long Winded} Thoughts on Episode One. WEE.

Ah, another season of The Bachelor.  Let the cattiness, tears, hormones, drama, groping, and prancing around in bikinis commence.  I mean, that's all this show is, right?  A bunch of crazies, sluts, and a handful of barely normal women vying for the affections of a man with chiseled abs and boobs bigger than mine.  That right there is genius television, folks.  Genius television that we all hate ourselves juuust a little bit for watching faithfully every Monday night.  Guilty pleasures aside, let's talk about the first episode of this season, shall we?

The episode begins with recaps of Brad's past season.  A season, which I didn't watch.  So honestly, I couldn't have cared less.  So he didn't pick either of the girls, I say it's about time.  I'm just waiting for a girl to not accept a rose.  Just to throw the whole system off.  Because I'm all about swimming against the current.  Anyways, I digress.  Then for what seems like the next 3 eternities, we get "Forlorn, clinically depressed Brad" talking about his panic attacks, all his daddy issues, and his three years of deep, intense soul searching.  Seriously, I think I heard the words "soul searching" about 43 times.  We get it, Brad.  Then of course we have the famous, coming up out of the water and whipping your hair back and forth in true Baywatch fashion.  Could they be any more cheesy?  Brad came out of the water looking like he was gasping for air.  Better luck on your mermaid scenes next time, Brad.

We finally get to meet a few of the contestants for this season...

First up is Ashley H., who you see drilling the shite out of a patient's mouth.  After which she tells us that she's an artist, and "the mouth is [her] canvas."  Seriously?  Since when is dentistry a damn art form?  Spare me.  Anyways the next thing you know, she's in tube socks and underwear dancing like a lunatic. Because ABC needs to make sure we know that she isn't just an evil dentist, but she's fun.  

Then we meet Shawntel, who starts out by telling us she meets a lot of dead dudes.  Okay... Oh!  She's a funeral director - good one, Shawntel.  Then she says something about burying The Bachelor in Chico.  Creepy, much?  She probably could have used a good underwear dancing scene too.

Then we meet Ashley S. who tells us about her dad who died 2 years ago.  Pretty heart wrenching.  Hopefully she doesn't do anything embarrassing this season, because I think I'd sort of feel bad making fun of her.

Next up is Chantal, who I imagine has been completely spoiled her entire life.  She got divorced a year, which is always fun.  She talks about how she doesn't like the single life and there's "so many games."  Hey Chantal, I know, how about you go and compete with a bunch of other girls for love?  That's not game-ish at all.

Then we have my homegirl, Michelle.  Okay, not really.  We just share the same city, that's all.  "I think women can be intimidated by me."  You mean because of how many crunches you can do?  She struck me as a bit superficial.  But that's not really surprising, I suppose.

Raichel the manscaper was a special one.  Aren't we glad that a few of her clients signed a waiver to get their goods waxed on national television?  Hello.  I'm sure their mothers are so proud.

Next is Meghan, who tells us that "Finding a boyfriend is like shopping for great pair of shoes."  Obviously Meghan is deep.  "Meeting the man of my dreams would be the perfect accessory."  And there she is again, Obi Wan of metaphors.

I don't think I even know what to say about the next one.  Madison is a piece. of. work.  She's a vampire model.  Talk about a Yahtzee for ABC.  Fangs and everything.  Not to mention that she "ran into the leader of the underground vampire world."  Um, raise your hand if you knew that existed.  I would imagine that Brad's contract will make him keep her around for several episodes, for sheer audience pleasure.  

And then we finally meet Emily.  Who as soon as she came on screen, my husband's jaw dropped to the ground.  She is absolutely beyond stunning, in a totally non-slutty way.  I think both my husband and I have a small crush on her.  Seriously.  Very tragic story - she seems very down to earth and I instantly liked her the best.

Then we have all the mini shoots of a bunch of the other girls, who I guess aren't as interesting as vampire models, dentists, or funeral directors.  Snore.

Brad and Chris Harrison sit down and recap the first half hour of the show, and we get another psychoanalysis of Brad's last three years with his therapist.  He sounded like he was reading note cards that his therapist had written for him.  Enough already.  You've changed, you want another chance, you've done a crap ton of soul searching.  Awesome.  Let's move on.

But wait, oh no.  Chris Harrison drops the bomb of all bombs on poor Brad, and let's him know that Jenni and DeAnna were in the back waiting to talk to him.  And for the first time in Bachelor history, someone crapped their pants on screen.  I mean, gosh, I was sweating bullets for the poor guy.  And I haven't even seen that season.  They both walk out, and DeAnna looks like she's ready to punt a kitten.  They sit down and I've never felt more awkward watching The Bachelor, ever.  I also couldn't stop noticing how damn shiny both of their legs were?  Did they smear Vaseline on them before they went on screen?  Sheesh.  Anyways, DeAnna looks like she's going to castrate Brad at any given second.  Hello, bitter.  They both express their concern for Brad being on The Bachelor again, and Jenni says, "If I knew I was about to go out with somebody who had hurt someone in the past, my guard would be up 100%."  Um, hello.  Who hasn't hurt someone in their life?  I mean, I know what she was trying to say - maybe next time, Jenni.  Meanwhile, DeAnna poisons Brad's drink and they finally leave.  I had to pace around the house for a little while to shake off all the awkward.

We finally get to watch Brad meet all his ladies.  This part cracks me up, mostly because the contestants always have the most awful one liners ever.  And if they are getting fed lines, they need to fire whoever's job that is.  I might not mention every woman he met, because some of them were, well, dull - and aside from insulting some random physical attribute, I'd have nothing to say about them.  That said....

Chantal...
Ah yes, the infamous bitch slap.  "From all the women in America."  Please.  As soon as husband dearest witnessed this, he said, "You know, somebody slaps you, you send them home."  Well said, husband.  Well said.

Boobs...
I mean, Alli.  HELLO.  Do I even need to comment on what stood out to me about her?  Had they been any bigger, they would have needed their own zip code.  (Badum ssssssss.  Fist pump for old, lame jokes.  And for spelling 'Badum sssssss.')

Ashley S...
"Aren't you a tall drink of water."  My new favorite compliment.  Brad, "I love you already!"  Well obviously those 3 years of therapy worked out for you Brad, didn't they?

Meghan...
Holy worst shoes ever, Batman.  She was clearly channeling her inner Baby Spice.  Brad, "I love your shoes!"  Right, Brad.  

Lindsay...
The only thing that struck me about this one, is that she looked like a less attractive version of Giselle from Enchanted.  Yeah, that's all.

Madison...
Is it me, or was Brad's voice quivering a little bit?  If some chick with fangs approached me, I'd probably be a little shaky myself.  She looks at him and says, "You look delicious."  WTF?  Way to keep it cool, Madison.  Brad, "I like this, I like this... mysterious demeanour."  Translation: "You're a creepy ass chick.  Be gone."  My favorite part was when she laughed.  Hoooo ha ha ha ha ha.  Nothing quite as charming as the laugh of a model with fangs.

Melissa....
She runs and jumps into his arms, which is instantly followed by a "Am I too heavy for you?"  Please, Melissa.  We all know that it's a requirement to weigh less than 80 pounds to be on the show.  I almost wish he would have said yes.  You know, just to get the drama started early.

Cristy...
Brad, "Your smile is almost as big as mine."  Insult or compliment?  What do we think, Internet?

Jackie...
She made Brad pinky swear that he wouldn't break her heart.  Remember what I said about the awful one-liners?  Good grief.  

Sarah P....
Tells Brad to get on her knee and ask her to marry him.  Barf.  

Chris Harrison makes an appearance, and my husband mutters, "I hate that guy."  Then mumbled something about him and Jake Pavelka running away together.

Lacey...
"You're in this for the real thing now, right?"  Nah, he just kidding and has a secret wish to be stoned to death by the women of America.

Shawntel...
Um... Did she do her hair?  Or did the limo pick her up at the gym?  C'mon now.

Britnee...
Put her finger out the window and pulled a "Come hither" move for him to come and open her door.  Me?  Not a fan.  Brad?  "I like that, I really like that."  Well you really must have liked that, Brad.  Remind me, where is Britnee now?

Jill...
Definitely taller than Brad, and definitely shouldn't have made "I'm ready to get married..." the first words she ever spoke to him.  That didn't work out so well for you Jill, did it?

Lisa M...
I will always remember her by her ruby slippers and sex hair.  And that's about it...

Rebecca...
"Kissing frogs" blah blah blah.  Lame line.

J...
It's her birthday.  And she only has one letter in her name.  WTF?

Tenley...
Oh, I mean Keltie.  She's got the energy of about 17 cheerleaders.  *Shudder*  Wants to teach Brad some high kicks.  Thrilling.  Really.

Sarah L...
Tries to go for a dramatic "There's something about me you should know", only to tell him she can't snap.  Seriously.  I think even my dog's eyes rolled at that one.

Michelle...
Speaking of Enchanted, was it me, or did it look like she used some curtains to make that dress?  Holy slit.

And we finally get to go into the mansion and watch the women grill the hell out of poor Brad.  I mean seriously, that poor guy.  I mean, don't these women know he went through three years of therapy.  He soul searched.  He's changed.  Have we not figured that out already?  Yeesh.  Now he's got all sorts of pressure to choose someone or die the fiery, bitter death of a crap ton of seriously pissed off women.  I certainly hope, for his sake, that his wife is in there.    

A few things about all the mansion shenanigans...

-I don't think Kimberly could have popped out her eyes any farther than she kept doing last night.  Holy crap

-I think we all knew that Ashley S. would get the first impression rose.  She's the only one who didn't question Brad's intentions, or what he learned in his three years of therapy.  Thank you, Ashley S.

-ABC Raichel decides it'd be super fun and cool to wax one of his hands.  Then proceeds to tell him about all the under carriages and bat wings she's waxed.  If you're planning on getting any where near his under carriage Raichel, I might have saved that little gem until later.  I'm sure he appreciates that his hand is now bare as a baby's keister.  

-Jackie channels her inner Kasey Kahl and spontaneously sings a number for Brad.  "I don't have too much prepared," she warns.  Right... Why do people sing on this show?  Why?

-Alli thrusting her huge butt into Brad's face was certainly charming.  The rest of the girls look like they're about to throw up the crackers they had for dinner.  Way to keep it classy, Alli.

-Alli and Renee fighting was just flat out amusing.  Renee was seconds away from completely flying off the handle for only getting 24 seconds to talk to Brad. And that, my friends, is the kind of stuff that makes The Bachelor so awesome.  Catty girls, fighting over a boy.  Yes.

-Brad, "This isn't a game."  Uhhhhhhhhhhhh....

-Michelle made it clear to viewers and to Brad, about 639 times that she is indeed "a woman."

And finally it's time for the rose ceremony.  Is it me, or does the music they play during the rose ceremony sound eerily like the music they play on Who Wants to be a Millionaire?  Listen to it.  And tell me what you think?  Chris Harrison executes his job of stating the obvious perfectly, as he announces that there is only one rose left.  Thank you, Chris Harrison.  Really.  Brad starts handing out roses to the girls.  They all accepted them graciously.  And if Madison hasn't already flown her freak flag high enough, she definitely does it when she takes a bite out of Brad's neck when he gives her a rose.  So don't be surprised when Brad starts glittering in the sunlight next episode.

We see the 10 girls huff and puff out of the mansion.  Britnee cries, Lisa cries... and my husband mocks them the entire time.  "I'm on my period.... Waaaaaaah."  Oh, husband.  I think you're great.

And then we see previews for the whole season - I feel like we have some lovely blog posts in store.  Fist pump for The Bachelor!  WOO.



What did you think of this episode?  


Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Embarassingly Obsessed

Let me start by saying it's quite embarassing that I am even blogging about this subject. But let's get honest, all of us closet addicts need to admit our problem and "open up." Just to make myself clear, I am not the giddy girl who screams when Brad Womack flashes across the TV. Instead, I am the somewhat sophisticated (how can I call myself sophisticated if I watch the bachelor?) house wife and mother that laughs until I pee my pants (the mother part of me) while watching this show.
The name of the blog derives off the fact that if anyone has ever seen the bachelor, they have overdosed. I heard today that the show takes six weeks to film. Six. Weeks. I don't understand how we would want to watch a man or woman be given six weeks to become infatuated...er..I mean fall in love.
Having that said, I absolutely LOVE watching the bachelor. It is my Monday night football. And after I am done watching, I can't wait to get on facebook, update my status, and talk about the most recent trainwreck. I hope you enjoy the blog.
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Just to make myself clear, if your searching for a blog that talks about how adorable the contestants are or one that talks about how this show should not exist, you wont find it here. Of course I will try to maintain the self-esteem of the fame-hungry contestants and will try to remember they are all sons/daughters of God. And for the latter, I don't want to see any bachelor hating comments. Because if there is one, you obviously googled the bachelor and found this blog. If you hate The Bachelor, why are you googling it?